Penguin joke

 A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

Speed - Funny Joke

A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream. 

They sat down and were about to start when father tortoise said, "I think its going to rain, Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umbrella?"

So off went Junior for father's umbrella, but three hours later he still hadn't returned.

"I think dear," said mother tortoise to father tortoise," that we had better eat Juniors ice cream before it melts."

And then a voice from the door said, "If you do that I won't go."

Short Funny Cat Quiz

Q: What does a cat that lives near the beach have in common with Christmas?

A: Sandy Claws.

Q: Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can't?

A: Your lap.

Q: Why did the cat put oil on the mouse?

A: Because it squeaked.

Q: What side of the cat has the most fur?

A: The OUT-side.

Q: What is a cat's favorite car?

A: The Catillac.

Q: What kind of cat will keep your grass short?

A: A Lawn Meower.

Q: Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats?

A: Because each of them was guilty of Purrjury.

Q: Why did the cat run from the tree?
A: Because it was afraid of the bark!

Q: What is the cat's favorite magazine?

A: Good MouseKeeping.

Q: How many cats can you put into an empty box?

A: Only one. After that, the box isn't empty.

Vampires At A Bar - Joke

Three vampires are sitting at a bar. Bartender asks the first one what he wants to have.

"I think I'll have a glass of blood."

"Okay, what'll you have?" he asks the second vampire.

"That sounds good. I'll have a glass of blood too."

"And what can I get for you?" he asks the third vampire.

"I'll have a glass of plasma" said the third vampire.

"Okay," said the bartender, "That's two Bloods and a Blood Lite, then

Cat Heaven Joke

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow arrives.

A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you arrived?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are theeeeeeee best.

Its A Cat's World Joke

On the first day of creation, God created the cat....

On the second day, God created man to serve the cat....

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat....

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat....

On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it....

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke....

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litterbox....

Yes, it's a cat's world after all. Amen

Survival Tactics - Funny Joke

Two young hedgehogs were learning survival tactics from their father.

“Today, I want to tell you about one of our biggest dangers. That road out there,” instructed dad.

“There will be times that you need to cross it and if you’re lucky, a car won’t come along.

But if it does, just make sure that you stop in the middle of the road so it will go over you without touching. Just watch me and you’ll see what I mean.”

Dad went out into the middle of the road and waited patiently for a car.

“It’s coming,” he shouted, “now you’ll see what…” He never finished speaking. The two young sons heard a crunch as he was flattened on the road.

I meant to ask him what we should do if a 3-wheeler came along,” said one to the other.