A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."
Tuesday, August 25, 2020
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Speed - Funny Joke
A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream.
They sat down and were about to start when father tortoise said, "I think its going to rain, Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umbrella?"
So off went Junior for father's umbrella, but three hours later he still hadn't returned.
"I think dear," said mother tortoise to father tortoise," that we had better eat Juniors ice cream before it melts."
And then a voice from the door said, "If you do that I won't go."
Short Funny Cat Quiz
Q: What does a cat that lives near the beach have in common with Christmas?
A: Sandy Claws.
Q: Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can't?
A: Your lap.
Q: Why did the cat put oil on the mouse?
A: Because it squeaked.
Q: What side of the cat has the most fur?
A: The OUT-side.
Q: What is a cat's favorite car?
A: The Catillac.
Q: What kind of cat will keep your grass short?
A: A Lawn Meower.
Q: Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats?
A: Because each of them was guilty of Purrjury.
Q: Why did the cat run from the tree?
A: Because it was afraid of the bark!
A: Because it was afraid of the bark!
Q: What is the cat's favorite magazine?
A: Good MouseKeeping.
Q: How many cats can you put into an empty box?
A: Only one. After that, the box isn't empty.
Vampires At A Bar - Joke
Three vampires are sitting at a bar. Bartender asks the first one what he wants to have.
"I think I'll have a glass of blood."
"Okay, what'll you have?" he asks the second vampire.
"That sounds good. I'll have a glass of blood too."
"And what can I get for you?" he asks the third vampire.
"I'll have a glass of plasma" said the third vampire.
"Okay," said the bartender, "That's two Bloods and a Blood Lite, then
"I think I'll have a glass of blood."
"Okay, what'll you have?" he asks the second vampire.
"That sounds good. I'll have a glass of blood too."
"And what can I get for you?" he asks the third vampire.
"I'll have a glass of plasma" said the third vampire.
"Okay," said the bartender, "That's two Bloods and a Blood Lite, then
Cat Heaven Joke
One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself.
The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow arrives.
A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.
The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"
The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.
About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you arrived?"
The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are theeeeeeee best.
Its A Cat's World Joke
On the first day of creation, God created the cat....
On the second day, God created man to serve the cat....
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat....
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat....
On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it....
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke....
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litterbox....
Yes, it's a cat's world after all. Amen
Survival Tactics - Funny Joke
Two young hedgehogs were learning survival tactics from their father.
“Today, I want to tell you about one of our biggest dangers. That road out there,” instructed dad.
“There will be times that you need to cross it and if you’re lucky, a car won’t come along.
But if it does, just make sure that you stop in the middle of the road so it will go over you without touching. Just watch me and you’ll see what I mean.”
Dad went out into the middle of the road and waited patiently for a car.
“It’s coming,” he shouted, “now you’ll see what…” He never finished speaking. The two young sons heard a crunch as he was flattened on the road.
I meant to ask him what we should do if a 3-wheeler came along,” said one to the other.
The Clever Parrot - Funny Joke
A man had a very clever parrot whose memory was second to none.
One day, the man came up with a foolproof way of making lots of money.
He got the parrot to learn the National Anthem and then took it down the pub where he told the customers, “I bet £10 that my parrot can sing the whole of the National Anthem.”
Some interest was shown and the money was placed on the bar.
Sadly though, the parrot never uttered a word and the man had to pay out a lot of money.
When he got home, he was beside himself with rage. “You bloody stupid, half-witted bird. You’ve lost me a lot of money today.”
“Now wait up a minute,” said the clever old bird. “Just imagine the kind of interest you’ll get tomorrow when we go back there again."
Same Everywhere - Funny Joke
A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere she went. She would even take the parrot to the club with her when she went dancing and drinking on Saturday nights.
Whenever the woman went onto the dance floor, the parrot would yell, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water-let the muthafukkah burn! Burn, muthafukkah, burn!"
The crowd on the dance floor would always cheer and holler in appreciation when the parrot would yell. This would make the parrot yell even more and of course make the crowd go wild. This would go on all night long, every time the parrot went out.
One Sunday morning the woman took the parrot to church and into the choir section with her, and when the choir started to sing, the parrot yelled, ''The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water-let the muthafukkah burn! Burn, muthafukkah, burn!''
She was horrified and corrected the parrot, "No, you don't say that here!"
The parrot looked around and asked, "Why not? These are the same muthafukkahs that was at the club last night!"
Punch Line - Joke
A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a blank form and wrote:
"Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof."
The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'woof' for the same price."
The dog replied "What, and ruin the punch line?!"
Lost And Found - Joke
A carpet layer had just finished installing a carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.
In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.
''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself.
He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened out the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.
''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''
''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''
Precautions - Funny Bull Joke
A farmer comes home with a lively young bull.
His two old bulls have fallen on sad days. He's letting them hang around for old times' sake.
The minute the new bull is put into the pasture, he starts servicing the cows.
At about the fourth cow, one of the old bulls starts to paw the ground and snort.
The other asks,"Why are you doing that? "The old bull answers, "I don't want him to think I'm one of these cows!"
Unsaid - Funny Parrot Joke
A lady was walking down the street to work when she saw a parrot on a perch infront of a pet store.
The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot and again it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now.
The next day as the lady was passing the store, the parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said to the manager that if the bird did not stop calling her ugly, she would sue the store and kill the bird.
The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store that evening the parrot called on to her, "Hey lady"
She paused and said, "Yes?"
The bird said, "You know."
Both Strings Together - Funny Joke
A vicar went into a pet shop to buy something that would keep him company.
“I’ve got just what you need,” said the pet shop owner.
“Take a look at this parrot. Not only does it talk but if you pull the string on his left leg he’ll sing ‘Rock of Ages’ and if you pull the string on his right leg, he’ll recite the Lord’s Prayer.”
“That is truly remarkable,” exclaimed the vicar, “but what happens if I pull both strings at the same time?” “I fall off my bloody perch,” screeched the parrot.
Stuffed Lion - Funny Joke
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion.
The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?
"The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife. "
"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.
"My ex-wife " replied the hunter."
Joke - The Flying Turtle
Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate, "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.
After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.
Finally, the female bird turned to her mate, "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."
Smart Dog - Funny Joke
A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed that three men and a dog were playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.
‘This is a very smart dog,’ the man commented.
‘He's not so smart,’ said one of the irked players. ‘Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.’
‘This is a very smart dog,’ the man commented.
‘He's not so smart,’ said one of the irked players. ‘Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.’
Watch Out For Bears Joke
The Colorado State Wildlife Division is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge and Keystone areas.
They advise people to wear noise producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert the bears but not startle them unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for “fresh signs” of bear activity. People should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
They advise people to wear noise producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert the bears but not startle them unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for “fresh signs” of bear activity. People should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.
Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.
Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
Night Of Passion Joke
An ant and an elephant share a night of romance.
The next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.
"Shit!" says the ant. "One night of passion and I will spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
The next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.
"Shit!" says the ant. "One night of passion and I will spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"
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