Speed - Funny Joke

A family of tortoises went into a cafe for some ice cream. 

They sat down and were about to start when father tortoise said, "I think its going to rain, Junior, will you pop home and fetch my umbrella?"

So off went Junior for father's umbrella, but three hours later he still hadn't returned.

"I think dear," said mother tortoise to father tortoise," that we had better eat Juniors ice cream before it melts."

And then a voice from the door said, "If you do that I won't go."

Short Funny Cat Quiz

Q: What does a cat that lives near the beach have in common with Christmas?

A: Sandy Claws.

Q: Where is one place that your cat can sit, but you can't?

A: Your lap.

Q: Why did the cat put oil on the mouse?

A: Because it squeaked.

Q: What side of the cat has the most fur?

A: The OUT-side.

Q: What is a cat's favorite car?

A: The Catillac.

Q: What kind of cat will keep your grass short?

A: A Lawn Meower.

Q: Why did the judge dismiss the entire jury made up of cats?

A: Because each of them was guilty of Purrjury.

Q: Why did the cat run from the tree?
A: Because it was afraid of the bark!

Q: What is the cat's favorite magazine?

A: Good MouseKeeping.

Q: How many cats can you put into an empty box?

A: Only one. After that, the box isn't empty.

Vampires At A Bar - Joke

Three vampires are sitting at a bar. Bartender asks the first one what he wants to have.

"I think I'll have a glass of blood."

"Okay, what'll you have?" he asks the second vampire.

"That sounds good. I'll have a glass of blood too."

"And what can I get for you?" he asks the third vampire.

"I'll have a glass of plasma" said the third vampire.

"Okay," said the bartender, "That's two Bloods and a Blood Lite, then

Cat Heaven Joke

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to Heaven. There he meets the Lord himself.

The Lord says to the cat, "You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let Me know."

The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."

The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful fluffy pillow arrives.

A few days later six mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to Heaven. Again the Lord is there to greet them with the same offer.

The mice answer, "All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don't have to run anymore?"

The Lord says, "Say no more," and fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him in a deep sleep on the pillow.

The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since you arrived?"

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, "It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals on Wheels you've been sending by are theeeeeeee best.

Its A Cat's World Joke

On the first day of creation, God created the cat....

On the second day, God created man to serve the cat....

On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth to serve as potential food for the cat....

On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the cat....

On the fifth day, God created the sparkle ball so that the cat might or might not play with it....

On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the cat healthy and the man broke....

On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to scoop the litterbox....

Yes, it's a cat's world after all. Amen

Survival Tactics - Funny Joke

Two young hedgehogs were learning survival tactics from their father.

“Today, I want to tell you about one of our biggest dangers. That road out there,” instructed dad.

“There will be times that you need to cross it and if you’re lucky, a car won’t come along.

But if it does, just make sure that you stop in the middle of the road so it will go over you without touching. Just watch me and you’ll see what I mean.”

Dad went out into the middle of the road and waited patiently for a car.

“It’s coming,” he shouted, “now you’ll see what…” He never finished speaking. The two young sons heard a crunch as he was flattened on the road.

I meant to ask him what we should do if a 3-wheeler came along,” said one to the other.

The Clever Parrot - Funny Joke

A man had a very clever parrot whose memory was second to none.

One day, the man came up with a foolproof way of making lots of money.

He got the parrot to learn the National Anthem and then took it down the pub where he told the customers, “I bet £10 that my parrot can sing the whole of the National Anthem.”

Some interest was shown and the money was placed on the bar.

Sadly though, the parrot never uttered a word and the man had to pay out a lot of money.

When he got home, he was beside himself with rage. “You bloody stupid, half-witted bird. You’ve lost me a lot of money today.”

“Now wait up a minute,” said the clever old bird. “Just imagine the kind of interest you’ll get tomorrow when we go back there again."

Same Everywhere - Funny Joke

A woman had a parrot that she took with her everywhere she went. She would even take the parrot to the club with her when she went dancing and drinking on Saturday nights.

Whenever the woman went onto the dance floor, the parrot would yell, "The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water-let the muthafukkah burn! Burn, muthafukkah, burn!"

The crowd on the dance floor would always cheer and holler in appreciation when the parrot would yell. This would make the parrot yell even more and of course make the crowd go wild. This would go on all night long, every time the parrot went out.

One Sunday morning the woman took the parrot to church and into the choir section with her, and when the choir started to sing, the parrot yelled, ''The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire, we don't need no water-let the muthafukkah burn! Burn, muthafukkah, burn!''

She was horrified and corrected the parrot, "No, you don't say that here!"

The parrot looked around and asked, "Why not? These are the same muthafukkahs that was at the club last night!"

Bad Dancer Joke

Q: Why are dogs such bad dancers?

A: They have two left feet.

Punch Line - Joke

A German shepherd went to a Western Union office, took out a blank form and wrote:

"Woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof..woof."

The clerk examined the paper and told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'woof' for the same price."

The dog replied "What, and ruin the punch line?!"

Lost And Found - Joke

A carpet layer had just finished installing a carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself.

He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened out the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.

''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''

''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.''

Precautions - Funny Bull Joke

A farmer comes home with a lively young bull.

His two old bulls have fallen on sad days. He's letting them hang around for old times' sake.

The minute the new bull is put into the pasture, he starts servicing the cows.

At about the fourth cow, one of the old bulls starts to paw the ground and snort.

The other asks,"Why are you doing that? "The old bull answers, "I don't want him to think I'm one of these cows!"

Unsaid - Funny Parrot Joke

A lady was walking down the street to work when she saw a parrot on a perch infront of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and again it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day as the lady was passing the store, the parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said to the manager that if the bird did not stop calling her ugly, she would sue the store and kill the bird.

The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that evening the parrot called on to her, "Hey lady"

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

Both Strings Together - Funny Joke

A vicar went into a pet shop to buy something that would keep him company.

“I’ve got just what you need,” said the pet shop owner.

“Take a look at this parrot. Not only does it talk but if you pull the string on his left leg he’ll sing ‘Rock of Ages’ and if you pull the string on his right leg, he’ll recite the Lord’s Prayer.”

“That is truly remarkable,” exclaimed the vicar, “but what happens if I pull both strings at the same time?” “I fall off my bloody perch,” screeched the parrot.

Stuffed Lion - Funny Joke

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion.

The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag him?

"The host said proudly, "That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife. "

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My ex-wife " replied the hunter."

Joke - The Flying Turtle

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree.

After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground.

After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts.

Finally, the female bird turned to her mate, "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

Smart Dog - Funny Joke

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed that three men and a dog were playing cards. The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.

‘This is a very smart dog,’ the man commented.

‘He's not so smart,’ said one of the irked players. ‘Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail.’

Watch Out For Bears Joke

The Colorado State Wildlife Division is advising hikers, hunters, fishermen and golfers to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the Dillon, Breckenridge and Keystone areas.

They advise people to wear noise producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert the bears but not startle them unexpectedly. They also advise the carrying of pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for “fresh signs” of bear activity. People should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have little bells in them and smell like pepper spray.

Night Of Passion Joke

An ant and an elephant share a night of romance.

The next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead.

"Shit!" says the ant. "One night of passion and I will spend the rest of my life digging a grave!"

Outnumber Your Enemies - Funny Joke

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.

After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?"

More Men On Job Joke

A very rich businessman asked his small son what he would like for Christmas.

“A baby brother please,” he replied.

“I’m sorry, son, there’s not enough time, it’s only 3 weeks to Christmas.”

“Well, can’t you put more men on the job?” the son suggested.

Metallic Birds - Joke

Mummy, mummy, are little birds made of metal?”

“Of course not, darling, why do you think that?”

“I just heard dad say he’d like to screw the the bird next door."

On Her Back - Funny Joke

Okay, this is a robbery, everyone down on the floor immediately,” shouted the armed raiders as they ran into the bank.

Everyone lay face down on the floor except for one girl who lay on her back.

“Hey,” whispered her friend, “this is a bank robbery, not the office party, so turn over.”

The Dancing Couple Joke

It was the annual dance at the town hall and a couple were dancing very close together.

After a while the girl whispered in his ear, “Why don’t we go outside to the car?”

“Oh I don’t know,” he said. “I like dancing.”

But the girl continued to coax him and eventually he agreed. When they got outside it was pitch black so the man produced a torch from his pocket.

“Have you had that torch with you all night?” she asked.

“Yes,” he said.

“Oh well, in that case let’s go back to the dance

Who's Son - Funny Joke

Old Joe was in his deathbed.

Beside him was his family – his wife and four sons, three of whom had blond hair, the other ginger.

“Em, tell me please, I’ve always wondered why one of our sons had red hair. Is he really my son?”

Emma put her hand on her heart and swore fervently that he indeed was his son.

“Oh thank goodness,” croaked the old man and he died with a smile on his face.

As the family left the room, the wife sighed, “Thank heavens he didn’t ask about the other three."

Why Men Like Fishing - Joke

Have you ever wondered why men like to go fishing?

It’s the only time they’ll hear someone say to them, “Goodness, that is a big one."

Airy Day - Hilarious Joke

A refined gentleman was walking through the park when a sudden strong gust of wind blew up the skirt of a passing woman.

“Oh I say, it’s airy, isn’t it?” he remarked.

The woman replied, “Well what did you expect, feathers?"

The Curious Parrot - Funny Joke

A young couple bought a parrot, but quickly discovered that he could cause them a lot of embarrassment.

Every time someone came to the house, he would tell them what the couple had been up to, particularly what went on in the evenings on the sofa.

“That’s it, I’ve had enough,” said the man, “from now on, you’ll be covered up early in the evening so you can’t see what’s going on. Otherwise, it’s the zoo for you.”

A few days later, the couple decided to go away for a week’s holiday so they spent the evening packing and of course filled the suitcase to overflowing.

I’ve got an idea,” said the man. “I’ll get on top, press down as much as I can and you can tell me what’s happening.”

But the case wouldn’t close.

“This is no good,” remarked the wife.

“Here, let me have a go, I’ll get on top and we’ll see if it’s any better.”

Still they couldn’t get the case to close, so the man said, “Let’s both get on top, bounce up and down and maybe that’ll work.”

Suddenly the parrot pulled off the cage cover and squawked, “I’ll take my chances at the zoo, but this I’ve just got to see?”

In Business - Funny Joke

Jack was in Paris attending a conference on cabinet making. After the session was finished he decided to have a coffee in a quite pavement café.

He hadn’t been there long when a beautiful girl walked by, smiled at him and sat down opposite.

Unfortunately she could not speak any English at all, so he took a pen and paper from his briefcase and drew a cup of coffee followed by a question mark.

She nodded and he ordered another cup. Later he drew a taxi and again she nodded so they were soon sitting in a cab touring the Left Bank and the sights of Paris.

Towards evening he drew a table with wine and food and it wasn’t long before they were enjoying a beautiful meal in one of the finest Parisian restaurants.

As the meal came to an end, the girl took the pen from Jack and drew a fourposter bed.

“Why, that’s amazing,” he said. “How on earth did you know I was in the furniture business."

Childless - Funny Joke

Q: Why doesn't Santa have any children?

A: Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down a chimney.

No Bugging Johnny Joke

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee.

His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?

Eating Light Bulbs - Joke

Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front porch one day.

The first one says, "My Daddy is so cool he can eat four Burgers at one meal."

The second one says, "That's nothing. My Daddy can eat six."

Little Jonny starts laughing and says, "My Daddy can eat light bulbs."

The other two boys tell Jonny that he is out of his mind. They ask him why he thinks His daddy can eat light bulbs.

Little Jonny replies, "Last night I was passing my parents room and my Daddy said, 'Honey, turn out that light, I want to eat that thing.'"

Happy Marriage - Naughty Joke

A 90 year old man shows up for a physical. He tells the doctor he is about to marry a 20 year old girl.

"Really? " said the doctor. "You're healthy enough, I suppose, but take my advice. If you want a happy marriage, you should take in a boarder. Do you know what I mean?

"The old man says, "OK, doc. I'll think about it. "

Six months later, the doctor meets the old man on the street and asks him how his new marriage is working out.

"Great doc! In fact, my wife is pregnant."

The doctor nods approvingly and says, "So you took my advice and took in a boarder?

"The old man winked and said, "Yep, and she's pregnant too! "

Spiders Mating - Funny Joke

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spied two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked.

"They're mating," her father replied.

"What do you call the spider on top, Daddy? " she asked.

"That's a daddy long legs," her father answered.

"So, the other one is a mommy long legs? " the little girl asked.

"No," her father replied. "Its also a daddy long legs."

The little girl thought for a moment, then yelled. "Well, we're not having any of THAT in our garden."

Sense Of Smell - Hilarious Joke

A professor and a young girl find themselves travelling in the same railway carriage as they race through England’s green and pleasant land.

The girl notices a few animals in the fields are mating and asks the professor how they become attracted.

“That’s very simple, my dear,” replies the professor, “the female gives off a odour which tells the male that she is interested.”

The professor goes back to reading his book and they soon arrive at their destination.

“I hope we meet again one day,” he says as they part company.

“Only if you get your sense of smell back,” she retorts.

The Guessing Game - Little Johnny Joke

A teacher said to her class, "Right, i'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it. This one is round and red."

Little Johnny's hand shot up, but he was ignored.

"It's a plum miss," said a girl.

"No it's an apple, but i like your thinking.

The next one is oval shaped and green."

The teacher ignored Little Johnny again and a boy said, "It's a kiwi miss."

No, it's a guana, but i like your thinking."

Little Johnny said, " I got one miss, its stiff, about an inch long and with a red nib."

"Johny, thats disgusting!" shouted the teacher.

"No it's a match, but i like your thinking." Said Little Johnny.

The Priest And Little Johnny

Little Johnny's is coming home from the store swinging the loaf of bread in one hand and the other hand in his pants pocket.

Along come Priest Joe and he thinks to himself, "This is a good opportunity to say something from the bible to Little Johnny.

"He walks up to Little Johnny and says, "I see Little Johnny that you have the Staff of Life in one hand. What do you have in the other?"

Little Johnny replies, "A loaf of bread Father."